Rant #4 Gad-damn lazy-ass scientists
By Angry Old Man

mankind has had some pretty fricken incredible advancements as a whole since we figured out fire, etc. weve sent people to the moon. but all of our advancements seem to push the boundaries of mankind. i demand that we not push the boundaries for a few years and instead push what weve already got. lets put some work into the basics, and because today was shopping day, lets start with the grocery store.

Scientists listen up:

Milk: good job on fortifying it and all that. lets work on not having it spoil so quick now. I drink about a gallon every 3 or 4 days. I need a 2 months supply to not feel like ive returned to the store too quickly. I dont have room for all that milk (do the math, thats alot of gallons) so I'm going to need it to be just fine in the garage by the oil pallette. So it needs to be ok with the heat and cold in there.

Orange Juice: Way to small container on the orange juice. And whats with deciding the pulp we want at the store? Put a fricken filter on it, like sprayers have. we'll decide if we want a stream of pulp or no pulp when we get home. are you telling me we dont have strainers yet? i like the pulp when im just having oj, but not when im making a smoothie. And a 4 gallon version should be avaliable.

Shampoo: Ive seen shampoo and conditioner right next to each other... and then of course the holy grail; both shampoo and conditioner in the same container. I know it exists, so who the hell needs 2 products now? why does shampoo by itself still exist? stupid. if theres some sort of loss when you mix the 2, make the damn product better.

bananas: They go bad too quick. and, they are misrepresetative of whats inside. it can be black outside and still be fine inside. lets get that to be a bit more representative shall we?

cereal: great fucking job guys! the shit stays good forever, it doesnt care. its in a small box, or the big jumbo bags that i have. a good job all the way around. if those fucking milk guys would get their act together cereal might become our national currency. 1 box of cereal would roughly equal a 10 spot.

Spam: again, good job. just fatally flawed from the beginning. I demand the group that worked on spam get to work on milk.

Frozen pre-cooked chicken breasts: another triumph. One fricken huge bag of microwaveable AND good food. A tour-de-force in perfect food preperation ettiquette. All food should be mocrowavable. Imagine a kitchen without pesky things like ovens, stoves, overhead vents... it would be wonderful. You just put it in and pick how long it should heat. And maybe a couple minutes later, its done. Is anyone else a little turned on by the idea?

Tire shine: a bit of a digression, but hey, i had my car detailed yesterday, i put on some tire shine, and its already fading. make the shit stick.

People of america:
communist forces know these things to be true and are working towards a better system of doing things. we must immediately turn our eyes away from the stars and onto the little things in life to make them better.

Rant #3 Gad-dang porn spam
By Angry Old Man

every day i open my email... heck, every more than a few times per hour actually... and i have some porn spam there.

now, if you had to guess where this rant is going, im sure youd guess that it is the common rant of "why must i deal with stupid email ads that constantly have the subject "17/f...my skirt keeps sliding off".

Thats not my rant.

Gad-dangit ive been forced to make the decision of either reading every one of these or risk missing a real hottie that has just set up her webcam and wants to hook it up after i take a look at her and her hot coed friends doing the nasty. this really sucks. if advertising in america keeps me from hooking up im never buying anything ever again.

Rant #2 Gad-damn women in SUV's
By Angry Old Man

tiny women in huge SUV's... bad idea.

noone can denty that SUV's are getting bigger and bigger, mostly in the last few years. The human species, females in particular, are not getting bigger, not even in the last few years.

with that, all must acknowledge that size and upper body strength play a roll in even power steering vehicles. height, ability to see over the steering column, and general situational awareness are also play pivotal roles.

some people should not drive SUV's. that could be proven by putting a small frail soccer mom who can barely back out of the driveway in there and watching her try a 3 point turn over the next few hours. then throw gabriel reese in there and watch her run a slolam in no time flat. with those 2 examples one must agree that there in a scale from those extremes that everyone fits into.

now that the scale is determined, all women must now be categorized using standard measurable facets of their being like the afforementioned upper body strength, height (without booster seat), general intelligence, past driving experience, general life coherence, and most importantly, the true need they have to drive a SUV vs. a perfectly good minivan. The latter would be decided on grocery amount per trip, child count, and purse size. other factors may be...ehem, factored in.

by using this method we can probably get about 98% of women that have no good right to be in SUV, and no competent way to drive it, off the roads.

if you are against this, you were not trapped behind the very woman in describing for a 3 point turn for 5 fricken minutes like i was.

Rant #1 The gad-dang terrorists
By Angry Old Man

so the guys being held at guantanamo bay are complaining that they cant wear turbans while praying. one of em had a makeshift one on his head and the guards told him to take it off. now the inamtes are on a hunger strike to protest.

it seems that once your religiously oppresive regime is decimated by the US special forces, and you are sent to a prison of sorts, you now flip around and come to conclusions like "people should be allowed to wear whatever you want, religious practice is protected by law and therefore should be allowed in whatever garb necessary/required, and every man, guilty of crime or not, is inferred these inalienable rights."

so, now we know they 'could' "get it".... "it" being democracy and tolerance, etc (see "american way").

i bet its damn humid down there. maybe they should be forced to wear those burka's out in that sun.